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If love was enough

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If love was enough 09/2023 If love were enough there would be no wars, No loud booms followed by terrifying screams, the kind that haunts you for life. There would be no violence, no hatred or fear. No one would become ill or die, and we would love more. So.Much.More.Love.❤️ There would be no silent suffering by the young girl in the bathroom stall, purging until her emotions are dull and she lay down on the dirty floor in exhaustion. She tries to find peace. If love were enough I could save him from his delusions. I would tell him he was and is good enough, and that his heart is pure. I would tell him he can come back from this and still live a beautiful life. That it’s not all ruined and that he deserves to be happy. He will be happy again if he can just fight a little harder to get through this difficult stage. If love were enough he would have lived for forever, because his soul was pure. He was pure. He deserved to be free. Maybe he is free now, and it is better. He ...
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The Rebuild

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The Rebuild. Tw: mental health/cancer When your body betrays you and you are forced to be still, you might be surprised that magical things can happen. Light can come from darkness. Beauty can come from pain. Growth can come from rain. During a time of challenge that feels like a life altering or life ENDING catastrophe, you may not realize that maybe things are falling apart so they can be rebuilt. So that they can be even better than before. Better than you could have even imagined. When you are faced with darkness and death in such a real way, you are forever changed. It evolves your world into something new. I have been very blessed in my life, as an able bodied human with only minor bumps and bruises along the road, a few medical issues like broken bones, a few surgeries, but nothing out of the ordinary. I was an athlete my entire childhood and worked out my whole life, and I was always strong and competitive. My body always did what I told it to, and as you’ll learn by...
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The Cancer Game

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Tw: Cancer; death I think I’ve been suppressing emotions on this journey because it’s imperative to “be strong” when fighting cancer. It’s literally that, fighting. It’s a war. So you have to put on that brave face and go hard. But if you really tap into the pain of it all, it’s overwhelming. Maybe avoiding that is part of the cause as well. The fear of giving in to the pain and not being able to get back up. The exhaustion of the battle. The physical and emotional symptoms, the change of life’s routine, the seclusion from the rest of the world, the strain on friends and family relationships, the pain of some of your loved ones being inadequately able to handle their emotions and in turn causing you additional harm, the financial strain, the burden you feel you are on your support, the constant major life choices of which doctor, what surgery or what treatment plan. The fear of reoccurrence literally breaths down your neck every single day. Thoughts like, what if I get through all t...
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I can't let the demons win

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  This piece is darker than most found on my site: TW: self harm, suicidal ideation   Sometimes I literally feel like I'm going to die within hours. Physically my nervous system collapses, my body feels drained, I feel disoriented and there is a pit in my stomach that feels like a punch to the gut. Sometimes I have trouble breathing. Emotionally I feel an immense amount of fatigue and cloudiness and it seems like I will never feel ok again.    I can't really put my finger on how or why it’s triggered, and I don't know how to stop it. All I know is eventually it passes, but it always returns.  I have a myriad of things I do to combat it, holistic remedies, meditation, exercise, medicines, etc. But it doesn’t always help.  This is not a choice, a preference or wanted in any way. The pain is unbearable. It’s excruciating. Debilitating. It feels like someone is stealing my soul, and I have to fight like hell to reclaim it. Every single day.   With thi...
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Pole Dancing and Cancer?

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Feeling free!!! Pole dancing and cancer? Not something you would expect to compliment each other, but they do. Last year before my diagnosis I started classes at the Exotic Workouts dance studio in Lake Worth (they have multiple locations – go now!!! ). I needed something new to add into my regular workouts of weight training, rollerblading, and yoga because my fitness activities have to be fun and constantly changing for me to keep motivated as well as to see results. I’d done similar classes before and let me tell you there’s not much more fun than a group of women having fun twerking together being silly, while crushing calories and laughing at the hilarity of the visuals in the room. I would attend various classes multiple times a week and was loving it. I started at 230 pounds and it seriously aided to my 70 pound weight loss and gaining of muscle I was able to accomplish last year! It took a lotttt of classes to do anything at all. The upper body strength needed is insane. When I...
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Hashtag nofilter, nomakeup

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It’s all fun and games until someone loses their eyebrows! #nofilter #nomakeup #nobrows #nolashes   It’s hard to believe if I wasn’t cold capping I would be completely bald by now… I am forever grateful that I had the luxury of partaking in cold capping and that it’s been working for me. I’ve only had minimal shedding so far. What a blessing. It’s expensive and uncomfortable but to be able to maintain some sense of normalcy and not look as sick is really priceless. So, this may be TMI but one of the best things about chemo has been no hair anywhere else. Hello no shaving!! But, one of the weirdest and hardest things about chemo has been the loss of my eyebrows and eyelashes. I was always blessed with great brows and lashes and I was grateful for them. I knew how lucky I was. Now I know even more how lucky. I’ve tried a few different options for fake brows and these temporary tattoos have been the best. My wife Amy and I had some fun with them as she helped me place them for the fir...
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Yes Universe, you have my attention now✨✨

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Yes Universe, you have my attention now ✨✨   Today is the day after Christmas in the epic year of 2021, and it is also my birthday!!  🎂  Thanks for all my well wishes today friends!! It made me feel so loved!  😻 As I enter my 35th year on this beautiful earth, I am hopeful, determined, and frankly pretty terrified. But then, how is that different from any other year?    Oh, but it is… I was really trying to avoid the obligatory life change social media post but honestly, this is the quickest way to reach out to all my loved ones. And it’s also therapeutic. Like ripping off a very heavy, annoyingly sticky band aid. Or group therapy. Let’s just get it out there for God and everyone to know.    Dear social media world, to everybody and nobody in particular, I have cancer! Yay me. But, you know what, I’m gonna grab this cancer by the boob and come out on top. Cancer jokes, am I right. At times they are the only thing bringing us laughter. Other...
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