The Cancer Game

Tw: Cancer; death I think I’ve been suppressing emotions on this journey because it’s imperative to “be strong” when fighting cancer. It’s literally that, fighting. It’s a war. So you have to put on that brave face and go hard. But if you really tap into the pain of it all, it’s overwhelming. Maybe avoiding that is part of the cause as well. The fear of giving in to the pain and not being able to get back up. The exhaustion of the battle. The physical and emotional symptoms, the change of life’s routine, the seclusion from the rest of the world, the strain on friends and family relationships, the pain of some of your loved ones being inadequately able to handle their emotions and in turn causing you additional harm, the financial strain, the burden you feel you are on your support, the constant major life choices of which doctor, what surgery or what treatment plan. The fear of reoccurrence literally breaths down your neck every single day. Thoughts like, what if I get through all this and become cancer free, and it comes back? I don’t think I can do this again. Some people have to battle this journey multiple times. No one should have to do this, much less more than once. And all those poor children and their families. So unfair. True some never have to battle again, but far too many do.. My triple negative status makes me a candidate for that likelihood. That fear is gut wrenching. It’s suffocating. I’ve always been so tough, but this has taken all of me. I’ve gotten through so many significant challenges in my life. But I thought this might take me out. In fact, sometimes I’d wish it would. And I could just.. rest. At least I would go with dignity and everyone will consider me a fighter, instead of a “coward” as my father labeled my mental illness struggles. As I’ve often expected to go through suicide or some other self inflicted wound. Instead, my wife and family would consider my death heroic and they would eventually find peace and move on. And it would all be over. Having battled my mental health since I was a child, I have fought every day on that journey. Similarly with cancer, it takes a warrior to suit up every single day for battle. Now the war was waged on my body instead of my mind. At least i was well prepared.. Perseverance engraved into my soul. But I wonder, how much longer must I suffer? Have I not suffered enough? I try to release myself from the bondage of mental anguish but I cannot control it. The body even less. I’m at the mercy of my medical team and hope they know what their doing. Too much to comprehend it all. Too many outside opinions and “holistic remedies.”. I follow their instructions and wait for them to tell me I am cancer free. I try to continue living each day as if it were my last, but how possible is that really. I still need to work, to plan for a life, but always knowing it could all be gone in an instant. I could end up spending another year or more in those doctors offices. It was hard enough the first time I just can’t imagine it again. Or if it spreads to more areas and there’s no hope for recovery. How would I find the strength like so many courageously do. And then I have the voice inside telling me how lucky I am, and that people every day are praying to be in my shoes. I know I’m blessed and I am grateful. So grateful. But I can be sad too. I can know how good I have it while still feeling cheated. The journey continues. One day at a time. Most days I do feel stronger than ever, empowered and fierce, but of course some days the pain of it all and the endless fear of reoccurrence take over and I struggle. The hardest part has been feeling frustrated my body can’t do what I want it to do, then I remember she is performing a miracle and I try to be grateful. I could never have gotten through this without the endless support of my beautiful and amazing wife, and my friends, family and all the amazing support from within the community. No one chooses his community but it is a fierce group of family and we are lucky to have such support for one another. Lastly, the most important thing for everyone to hear is do not procrastinate on your health. I did not and thankfully it saved my life. Get your annual wellness exams, do your recommended testing‘s and always do your monthly self exams. The best time to do them for people with breasts, is the week after your cycle when you’re the “least lumpy” so things are easier to find. Get to know your breasts so you will know when something is abnormal. Ask your doctor about anything suspicious and be your own advocate. I have been told more women and especially more younger women are being diagnosed. So much so that they are trying to lower the recommended mammogram and ultrasound age for earlier detection. Stay on top of your health because you matter and you deserve to live a full and happy life!!