I can't let the demons win

 This piece is darker than most found on my site: TW: self harm, suicidal ideation

 

Sometimes I literally feel like I'm going to die within hours. Physically my nervous system collapses, my body feels drained, I feel disoriented and there is a pit in my stomach that feels like a punch to the gut. Sometimes I have trouble breathing. Emotionally I feel an immense amount of fatigue and cloudiness and it seems like I will never feel ok again. 

 

I can't really put my finger on how or why it’s triggered, and I don't know how to stop it. All I know is eventually it passes, but it always returns. 

I have a myriad of things I do to combat it, holistic remedies, meditation, exercise, medicines, etc. But it doesn’t always help. 

This is not a choice, a preference or wanted in any way. The pain is unbearable. It’s excruciating. Debilitating. It feels like someone is stealing my soul, and I have to fight like hell to reclaim it. Every single day.

 

With this experience also comes a ptsd that when occurring I am so triggered and fearful of it that it rents additional space in my head even when it’s not happening. Because it’s always there, looming. The intrusive thoughts are waiting for a moment of vulnerability or just the right time to strike. Without warning or consistency.

Having a moment of happiness can be ruined by the anticipation of a negative intrusive thought, or the thoughts themselves. Often, seemingly out of no where. I’ve frequently thought to myself wow I’m so happy and content in this moment. This is so wonderful and I am so grateful” to literally moments later “You should definitely kill yourself. This is never going to end. There’s no point. You are useless, broken, disgusting. You’re better off dead.”

 

Waking up each day and actively choosing life, while inside truly wanting to die just to make the pain stop, is true bravery. To fight like hell and keep going. To take the mental abuse daily, even hourly, and stay the course. To believe this life is worth living. 

I hurt, a lot. I suffer more than people could ever know. I’ve met only one other person in my life who suffers the mental anguish like I do. Thankfully only one. But, I know there are more. Some people are just better at concealing it than others. As Glennon Doyle says, their “representatives” are more present. And they hide their pain better. I’ve never been as good at that. I wish I were. Rather, I wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions on my face. My truth in my body. And even still I hide my pain. Feeling everything so deeply that even I am frightened by it. But knowing it’s an internal battle I must win. Because I know life is beautiful and I am so blessed, but that doesn’t stop the chatter. The demons always try to get in. But I can’t let them win.



*If you are struggling with your mental health or dark thoughts, please seek help. You do not need to suffer.


Just breathe. Relax. You are OK. 


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