Freedom is Priceless.

There was a time in my life where all that mattered was appearance. I never missed a day in the gym, spent hours on tanning, curling, applying. Everything to be perfect. All external. My worth, my self-esteem, and even my income was based on how I looked. Nothing else mattered.

I spent my time in fancy bars and restaurants with fancy people eating stupid tiny dishes. I was living part time in Vegas and partying on rooftops with celebrities and all the most glamorous people. Feeling desired and fabulous. But, deep down. Dark. Hungry. Unfulfilled. Depressed. Hardened. Worthless.

Thankfully, these things have changed drastically. Due to a change of profession, a desire to get back in school and a large amount of emotional growth, my priorities have shifted. All stemming from a difficult time where I realized that the life I was living was pointless, and detrimental. So I made the decision to change everything. Through a lot of uncomfortable times and struggling to find myself, make the rent, and continue to a path of freedom, I finally got there. Or got here. There is no graduation but instead a daily goal of growth and inner peace. Today at work I wear scrubs or jeans, and most days I don’t even wear makeup. I often don’t do my hair and I choose comfort over anything else. I have a good relationship with my family and friends who love me for who I am, and not who I pretend to be. They love me as I am and push me to be better.  I have a college degree and am continuing my education.

And, I feel free. The character I have today shines through and the obsession of perfection has for the most part dissipated. I am just myself. Awkward, silly, mistake prone, motivated, strong, caring, beautiful. I have become a much more honest version of myself, true to my inner being and not consumed with self-loathing and fear.

So, I don’t have the body I used to, those toned arms and that tiny little waist. So, I won’t be wearing that way-to-skimpy Halloween outfit in Vegas again, but I keep it just to remember that I could.

At times during my process of growth I have questioned my decisions. On those off days where I’m feeling a little frumpy and remembering the glamour (or the illusion of glamour) from those old times. When I start to question whether I made the right decisions. Like when I’m struggling to pay for things that I could once buy without saving money for three months. Sometimes I even regret. Does this extra ten or twenty pounds I wear now make me less worthy? Less significant? How does a change in body shape, job, or lifestyle become what determines self-esteem and others view on their value? Why does not having the newest car or shopping in the fancy shops have me feeling inadequate? In a society where appearance and wealth equals status and determines your worthiness, where does that leave you if you have neither? If you have an average bank account and you don’t look like a celebrity it’s easy to feel pretty insignificant.

The lovely Drew Barrymore said, “Being happy makes the biggest impact on your physical appearance.” Why does it matter so much about the external. It should be the heart and soul that we see, not the fancy hair and designer wear. We spend much of our time judging ourselves and others, even without realizing. It is a part of our make-up. But we need to question these judgements. And withhold our negative thoughts. It all just circles around. One leads to another and before we know it negativity is spreading around like wild fire. Has anyone read a message board or celebrity blog site lately? Really it is disgusting. The vicious hate that just permeates the air and the environment. It’s happening daily. Even potentially positive, uplifting topics are being ripped to shreds with negativity and backlash by the need for people to feel good that they have to put another down.. And it is so very pointless.

We need to try to remember that each person has a story. In each chapter of their lives. It all has a history. It didn't all just change overnight. For the heavy set girl, that extra weight didn’t just appear, it was involved in her process. The overwhelming emotions, life’s madness, the challenge of coping mechanisms and a need for constant growth. For myself, I have experienced this as I have put on comfort weight myself. During a time of change and pushing boundaries within myself, which at the time I didn't even know was happening, my body was literally preparing me for emotional growth. I remember once I had become single- again. And I put on weight. Which to society's standards, means I'm pretty bad off. Single and chubby! But within myself, I felt free. I felt cleansed. And then began the detoxification process. Your body prepares you, it protects you. Everything is apart of the change required for each growing stage of life. And as I continue down the path my yoga classes and my beach runs I embrace my changes as they help me to become to person I am meant to be, this person I have begun to love. Although I can sometimes forget.

So, maybe today I'm not the most fit I've ever been, maybe even the opposite. But, the emotional process has taken precedent over that physical need. Maybe I needed that extra weight to buffer my emotional needs. I have learned that by trying to micromanage every single aspect of my life that sometimes I just need to go with the flow. I have to let my body feel. Let it hurt, cry, breath and sometimes just reboot.

Does this change the fact that I don't feel completely comfortable in this body? No. Do I like the blubber of fat hanging over my iPad as I write this? No. The fact is I do physically FEEL better when I'm more fit, healthier, and cleaner. I have more energy and I feel better mentally. But, as one who has struggled with going on and off the healthy beam I realize that sometimes it just is what it is. Sometimes I’m really healthy and I go through a lot of emotional growth, and other times I’m really not healthy at all, and I also go through emotional growth. It comes down to whatever my body needs at that time. Does that make me weak? And for those tough lessons, I have to really suffer. Maybe it's just necessary for me to go through a tornado before I get to the rainbow. I guess I can learn things better that way. I've always been one who needs to struggle to let things really sink in. That's just me. So here I am, a little chubby and single.  But free. And I know that my exterior is only a slight representation of who I am. My internal truth speaks so loudly that I only need to represent myself through my heart and not worry about all these other things we're programmed to believe we need. We don't need make up to be beautiful, the perfect outfit and the nice car. We only need a good heart, a strong will to love, and good people to make life worth it. The rest will work itself out. And we need laughs. Lots and lots of laughs. The stomach pain-can't breathe-feeling so alive kind of laughing, That makes you beautiful. That makes you shine.
So, what hasn’t changed by a little fluctuation of dress size? I am still strong, empowered, uplifted. I crave to be healthy in all aspects of my life. They say if it no longer serves you, get rid of it. I have found that has to do with everything. Get rid of anything that brings you down, makes you question your self-worth, or doesn’t help you grow. Go after things you crave. I crave yoga, strength, sweat, love, passion. I crave the ocean and the sun beaming onto my face. I crave purity and honesty, things of this world that are often overlooked. I feel inspired by a random act of kindness that you just don’t see every day. I believe in the underdogs and the misfits, the ones that may be overlooked. I want love, compassion, sincerity, relationships, and truth. I want to laugh.  I want to LOVE.