The Rebuild

The Rebuild. Tw: mental health/cancer When your body betrays you and you are forced to be still, you might be surprised that magical things can happen. Light can come from darkness. Beauty can come from pain. Growth can come from rain. During a time of challenge that feels like a life altering or life ENDING catastrophe, you may not realize that maybe things are falling apart so they can be rebuilt. So that they can be even better than before. Better than you could have even imagined. When you are faced with darkness and death in such a real way, you are forever changed. It evolves your world into something new. I have been very blessed in my life, as an able bodied human with only minor bumps and bruises along the road, a few medical issues like broken bones, a few surgeries, but nothing out of the ordinary. I was an athlete my entire childhood and worked out my whole life, and I was always strong and competitive. My body always did what I told it to, and as you’ll learn by following my story, I also heavily abused my body due to attempting to self medicate my mental struggles. Which may have played a role in my cancer diagnosis as it was not a genetic predisposition, but something acquired along my journey. Or maybe it’s all the bullshit we put into our bodies as a society due to our horrific meat sources and all the GMO’s and processed foods we consume, and sugar (oh how I love sugar), but that’s for another day. My body has been healthy, but my mind has betrayed me since I can remember. It’s always been a liar. Telling me bad things about myself and forcing me to torture my body, in every way possible. Of course, I didnt come up with all these words, emotions and ideas all on my own. I had a special helper. My special helper loved me so much, but he didn’t understand me. And he had a lot of pain and trauma of his own that he never got any help for. So he suffered. And I suffered. And our family suffered. Being the emotional person and empath I always was, I took my pain inward. I battled devastating eating disorders and self harm, with suicidal ideation from a very young age. I punished myself, a lot. My self hatred ran deep, and I was always running from something, or everything. Comparing myself to others and always feeling less than. Seeking validation in all the wrong places and people, and not knowing my worth. I tried to live a wild and carefree life, to be happy, and to avoid pain. At times things were lighter and smoother, managing to coast along life having fun adventures and hanging with friends, while others were very tortured. In isolation I suffered greatly. My anxiety and pain always felt so suffocating. I made decisions based on survival instincts that led to consequences I then had to face even more anxiety and pain over. Addictions, bad choices, mistakes, or putting myself in dangerous situations and then not being sane or capable to get out. Hurting other people and then hurting myself worse than they could ever do back. Even during a time of absolute sobriety and self care, I seemed to still suffer so many mental ailments in the forms of anxiety and depression. It felt very defeating. My internal dialogue was so heavy, I just wanted out. I always wanted out. I hated myself so much. An indulgent self loathing I don’t wish on anyone. I felt I would NEVER get better. There’s something so debilitating in self hatred. It makes you sabotage all the good things and invite in the bad. It only builds and builds until you snap, or you awaken to its power and start treating it with some damn RESPECT. That’s why now, I fight like hell every day to remember that it can all be gone in an instant. And I never want to go back to that darkness. I never knew how far in life I would get. I really thought I would die young. I was headed that way in my early twenties but I was able to get help and get ahold of the really bad stuff, learned some self love and healthy boundaries, learned how to care for myself better, got healthier in weight, mind and soul. I was still dealing with my anxieties and depression so I wasn’t truly free, but I had made great progress in my many years of therapy and self help. I keep that department in business that’s for sure. I must have read every self help book ever written. Twice. I felt I had made great progress, and that maybe I was going to be ok…. Found the love of my life and got married, began working with animals which suited me greater than anything else I had done this far. So you can imagine my surprise when at 35 I’m sitting in that chair at the doctors office, hearing the words “breast cancer” and seeing my life flashing before my eyes…. That journey still feels indescribable. So much fear, so much pain. Loneliness. Worry. Frustration. Silence. Tears. Relationships forever altered. My body, constantly deceiving me. I had finally realized how much power my body had over my mental state and realized my mental state of mind depended largly on how my body was performing and the release of negativity pouring out, while inviting the positive in. A constant, every day struggle which required exercise, eating healthy, therapy and self help, play, and caring for myself diligently. Being one of the luckiest of the “lucky ones”, I responded amazingly to treatments with only minor hiccups. My age and recent seventy pound weight loss and health improvement were in my favor, and we had an amazing medical team who we trusted. They said “in a year or two this will be a blip of your life story.” And then, my wife and I fought like hell. And they were right. It took about a year. But it’s not a blip of my story. It forever changed me. It helped shape me into something different, better, stronger. And then, the rebuild. I used to try to avoid pain because I feel it so strongly. But now I realize, life is pain. It’s simply a matter of how much power are you giving this one thing in front of you to. Are you going to let it destroy you, take you out, or steal your peace? To steal your opportunities. To make you less than. To force yourself to suffer as a silent but glaring punishment that you are not good enough, that you are broken, that you are the problem. Being forced to look at yourself and your life, and make the conscious decision every single day, to do better. To be better. To fight harder. To get stronger. Because there is no other option. Except, to let it take you out. Nothing ever just goes away, it only piles up. Until it’s so heavy that you topple over. I was blessed to topple back over, and then I started fighting like hell to make it worth living for. Every day I try to be better and do better. To be the reason I was chosen to stay. When so many times before I had prayed to be released from this misery. There is a truth in living and it’s not always easy. People and pets die, relationships and families collapse, people get hurt and suddenly their lives are forever changed. When things feel overwhelming I remind myself. This is real life shit. This isn’t something minor that I’m being “too emotional” about. This isn’t an overreaction or something caused by pms. This is REAL LIFE SHIT. I’m allowed to be in pain over this, it’s painful. I’m allowed to cry over this, it’s upsetting. I’m permitted to give myself some grace and know that I am currently having a HUMAN experience and that I can survive this. I can come back from this. And I can THRIVE again. If I let this take me out, then where will I be then? If I succumb to the depths of my darkness, and give in to the pain, where then would I be. No. I have fought too hard. I have overcome too much. Instead, I shall let it mold me, shape me into something better, let it transform me. Take the pain and let it fuel me. It never ends. I’m still battling consequences from my cancer, potential further surgeries and medication, and not to mention the dreaded R word (reoccurrence) that looms over me every second of the day. I am so grateful to be cancer free and for my life, my loved ones come and gone thank you for being a part of my life. You’ve helped me in more ways than you could know. We are all humans living this human experience and just trying to to do our best. Remember the only constant in life is change. So hold on for the wild ride. Thanks for listening.