Dancing Through Cancer; She is Illuminated

To hurt or be hurt, that is the Question. What is this journey called “dating” and where does it end. We are all searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, if the rainbow was actually a fire lit path. Stepping over burning coal after burning coal. We inevitably feel pain. The moments of bliss are so glorious, and you think “this is it, this feeling could never end.” But, sometimes it does. What is worse, I ponder, being the hurt or the hurter? I’ve been both, and I say it’s a tie. Both equally leading to feelings of emptiness, inadequacy, and pain. Weighing pros and cons and voting on personality traits you deem acceptable or not. Figuring out if your baggage fits with their baggage. It’s treacherous. What are the chances that two people in this world of billions of humans will actually find each other? Not only find each other, but find each other at the exact moment when they are both single, available, and open to the experience. With life’s ebbs and flo...

At times I wonder why I am so sensitive and even frustrated to the world at large. What makes me feel these moments of hostility throughout my day to day life? And then I sit down to have a nice coffee at a café to enjoy a mid-day recharge. As I sit overhearing (eavesdropping?) the table next to me spout hateful words about an unknowing passerby. I sit, baffled at their arrogance and mean spirited nature. Then, I find myself becoming angry and hateful at them for their words. How can they be so mean? Why can’t they just be more compassionate? But, I realize my thinking only continues the hate. My own lack of acceptance of their ignorance is just as bad as their hate. One does not trump the other in justification. These energies and situations happen every day. We all feel entitled to one behavior or another. These entitlements continue to affect the world in different ways. Only when we stop, accept our faults and decide to make a change in our behavior for the greater good, do we...

In the End. 11.15.15 Her voice trembles, her fear speaks. She asks herself, is it me? Yearning for love, seeking for truth, Only she finds pain, With each chance she took. Breathing life in, Trusting its beauty. She holds on to the hope, She walks through believing. Beating her down, making her question her existence, She never lets go, She keeps going with persistence. Each let down is in preparation, for that love you seek, don’t give up, don’t lose hope, despite when things are bleak. You deserve love, You will find passion. It will all make sense, In the end.

Seeing her grow, watching her heart open. What a blessing to be a part of. Her beauty. Her strength. Trusting the process, she slowly steps forward. One second at a time, then one day, She breathes in deep. She exhales. Stopping to pray she begs for forgiveness. She has Hope. Pleading for another chance. Another time to get it right. She gives thanks for this moment. In gratitude she stands. Withholding nothing she perseveres, letting the Power guide her ways. In her wondrous purity she gives it all forward, there is no looking back. She walks in confidence and makes strides that she has never known. For that one chance she took in blindness opened up a world beyond her wildest dreams. Dedicated to Lauren

It’s easy to feel so big, so important. All or nothing. Our ego's take over our being and we are the masters of the universe- in our own minds. We see it every day in this selfie culture of we live in, a world of narcissism and an “all about me” mentality. We are basically trained to be that way. Connections are less important than the filters on our photos. Respect is lost and love is even fewer and farther between. We stay inward and private- in our little cocoons of safety. Don’t make eye contact, don’t strike up a conversation! Hell, don't even put on your signal while driving because you will seem weak. It’s all about importance and this ego driven self pumping mentality. Making each interaction a quick in and out, and disregarding the other humans as part of our existence, but rather just someone in our way. While separating ourselves from them we separate ourselves from just that, ourselves. Staying in our cocoon only stifles our own growth. Being unconscious and una...

I find that my mind speaks often in ways that even I cannot understand. Feelings of inadequacy take over and I cannot breathe. Fear and judgement of my own emotions begin to choke me, And I have to fight them even harder. Stuff them down. Make them quiet. But they persist. Stifling me. Suffocating. They tell me I am worthless. They tell me I am undeserving. They tell me I am a fraud. But I will fight. I will not be silenced. They will not win. For I will prevail, at all cost. My truth speaks louder than they do. My passion further ignites my strength. The depths of my being are engulfed in love, power, and hope. Despite the voices that try to take me out. Battling the darkness I seek the light. I strive for beauty and inner workings of things only felt by the heart. I will not be so easily fooled. My truth speaks loudest. My truth speaks pure.

There was a time in my life where all that mattered was appearance. I never missed a day in the gym, spent hours on tanning, curling, applying. Everything to be perfect. All external. My worth, my self-esteem, and even my income was based on how I looked. Nothing else mattered. I spent my time in fancy bars and restaurants with fancy people eating stupid tiny dishes. I was living part time in Vegas and partying on rooftops with celebrities and all the most glamorous people. Feeling desired and fabulous. But, deep down. Dark. Hungry. Unfulfilled. Depressed. Hardened. Worthless. Thankfully, these things have changed drastically. Due to a change of profession, a desire to get back in school and a large amount of emotional growth, my priorities have shifted. All stemming from a difficult time where I realized that the life I was living was pointless, and detrimental. So I made the decision to change everything. Through a lot of uncomfortable times and struggling to find myself, make...

In the wake of moments passed, I think about what could have been. What should I have said, what I really meant. I challenge thoughts like they are beasts, Tempting, prodding, but never defeating. Questioning my every move, I’m never sure what to do. For this mind keeps spinning, Spinning. Spinning. Until it’s left in dust. The challenges are not to fear, In matters of the heart. For at the end there will be pain. Either from love or loss. We are unlikely to escape... To live and breathe, to be complete. To act in truth is the only way. With acceptance to whatever comes. It ends too often with regret. Without worry, without doubt. I fight to speak my truth. Living delicately to protect my heart, Will only cause regret. Living vicariously through myself, I strive to make it new. Rewriting the stories in my head and make the fantasies come true.

Why are we so often our own worst critics? It can be scary how I can be so cruel to myself and yet, I would never imagine speaking to a friend or even a stranger in that way. There are times where my own criticism is so harsh that it is shocking. It makes me wonder who else is walking around with an internal dialogue like my own. If we are all in this place of self-loathing no wonder we are so tough on each other, we are even worse to ourselves! Luckily, it is few and far between with the negative self-talk, although it still creeps up. There was a time when it was all I heard. That inner voice was constantly beating me down, and I know I am not alone. With teenagers committing suicide at such young ages, eating disorder epidemics, all the overly obsessed workaholics and the drug addicts, I know that there are people suffering with an internal disease of self-loathing and fear. In a world that is so outwardly driven by appearance and THINGS, the pressure can be overwhelming. Think...

We live in a harsh world. Let’s just put it out there. This statement is not made in angst or “woe is me”, but factual. From the earliest stages it is competitive, it has expectations, and therefore you can be a disappointment before you are even born.   We start playing games not just for fun but to find a winner. There’s always that superior pinata batter, spelling bee player, or Ivy League graduate. It never really ends. We compete to find a spouse (seriously, have you “dated” lately, it is a competition-with a lot of F’s), to have the best position at the best job, and we won't get started on our appearance. With all these expectations and needs, we can easily forget the purpose of it all. To enjoy our time here! This life goes by faster than we think. Each day is literally a gift, a blessing that we can spend on this earth with all its amazing beauty. But it is so easy to miss it all. I can easily get so wrapped up in stresses of what needs to be done and all of my “plans” tha...

Despite the fact that babies come out of the womb screaming for dear life as if they already “just cannot” deal with what they are about to endure, it is still my belief that in our most natural, purest form we are just one simple thing- love. Nothing else. Despite the fact that our human complexities say otherwise. We are beings with a need and a desire for love and happiness. We crave it and even unintentionally seek it in different forms. Although we all love, many of us do so briefly, with conditions, and in waves. Our selfishness stops our loving souls and through fear and the chaos of this world, we become harsh. We begin fighting with ourselves and others. We become the abused and at the same time, the abusers. One feels pain and then lashes it back out without a thought. And reacting simply becomes an instinct.   The cycle continues.  We are naturally such complicated beings, we can be hostile and unintentionally cruel, even from such a young age. We are fight...