Dancing Through Cancer; She is Illuminated

Tw: Cancer; death I think I’ve been suppressing emotions on this journey because it’s imperative to “be strong” when fighting cancer. It’s literally that, fighting. It’s a war. So you have to put on that brave face and go hard. But if you really tap into the pain of it all, it’s overwhelming. Maybe avoiding that is part of the cause as well. The fear of giving in to the pain and not being able to get back up. The exhaustion of the battle. The physical and emotional symptoms, the change of life’s routine, the seclusion from the rest of the world, the strain on friends and family relationships, the pain of some of your loved ones being inadequately able to handle their emotions and in turn causing you additional harm, the financial strain, the burden you feel you are on your support, the constant major life choices of which doctor, what surgery or what treatment plan. The fear of reoccurrence literally breaths down your neck every single day. Thoughts like, what if I get through all t...

  This piece is darker than most found on my site: TW: self harm, suicidal ideation   Sometimes I literally feel like I'm going to die within hours. Physically my nervous system collapses, my body feels drained, I feel disoriented and there is a pit in my stomach that feels like a punch to the gut. Sometimes I have trouble breathing. Emotionally I feel an immense amount of fatigue and cloudiness and it seems like I will never feel ok again.    I can't really put my finger on how or why it’s triggered, and I don't know how to stop it. All I know is eventually it passes, but it always returns.  I have a myriad of things I do to combat it, holistic remedies, meditation, exercise, medicines, etc. But it doesn’t always help.  This is not a choice, a preference or wanted in any way. The pain is unbearable. It’s excruciating. Debilitating. It feels like someone is stealing my soul, and I have to fight like hell to reclaim it. Every single day.   With thi...

Feeling free!!! Pole dancing and cancer? Not something you would expect to compliment each other, but they do. Last year before my diagnosis I started classes at the Exotic Workouts dance studio in Lake Worth (they have multiple locations – go now!!! ). I needed something new to add into my regular workouts of weight training, rollerblading, and yoga because my fitness activities have to be fun and constantly changing for me to keep motivated as well as to see results. I’d done similar classes before and let me tell you there’s not much more fun than a group of women having fun twerking together being silly, while crushing calories and laughing at the hilarity of the visuals in the room. I would attend various classes multiple times a week and was loving it. I started at 230 pounds and it seriously aided to my 70 pound weight loss and gaining of muscle I was able to accomplish last year! It took a lotttt of classes to do anything at all. The upper body strength needed is insane. When I...

It’s all fun and games until someone loses their eyebrows! #nofilter #nomakeup #nobrows #nolashes   It’s hard to believe if I wasn’t cold capping I would be completely bald by now… I am forever grateful that I had the luxury of partaking in cold capping and that it’s been working for me. I’ve only had minimal shedding so far. What a blessing. It’s expensive and uncomfortable but to be able to maintain some sense of normalcy and not look as sick is really priceless. So, this may be TMI but one of the best things about chemo has been no hair anywhere else. Hello no shaving!! But, one of the weirdest and hardest things about chemo has been the loss of my eyebrows and eyelashes. I was always blessed with great brows and lashes and I was grateful for them. I knew how lucky I was. Now I know even more how lucky. I’ve tried a few different options for fake brows and these temporary tattoos have been the best. My wife Amy and I had some fun with them as she helped me place them for the fir...