Dancing Through Cancer; She is Illuminated

Much of my life I spend in an out of body experience. Like every day is a high from a drug I forgot I took. My friends say sometimes it's as if I'm living on a cloud. I think they are right. I don't feel completely part of this earth, this whole experience. I wonder if I was born at the wrong time, or in the wrong place. I question every little part of this existence. I battle the norm and try to find my own. What's considered the ideal human experience seems so futile to me. At the same time I try to find my own way. Maybe i just like to be complicated for no good reason. Maybe that's just me. I think I could easily be one of those people who leaves all traditional society to go live off in some hippie commune. But even that would be too obvious. I'd like all the preconceptions of life to disappear, all the "should's". I should go to college, should get married, should have 2.5 kids. Honestly, half of the people doing that seem unsatisfied with ...

A friend of mine has a saying, "Who cares!?" And I have kind of adopted it from her and have found a huge freedom from such a short, simple saying. She used to say it often and for good reason. As I would come to her in an overly emotional fashion for advice because the things that went on inside my head sometimes could be, slightly melodramatic.I would sometimes find myself in a tornado of self-fears, doubts, and made up scenarios I believed to be true. And I would come to her crying about every little thing. I would be stuck in an hour obsession about what to wear that day, change ten times and finally pick something, only after I hated myself enough. Reanalyze and beat myself up about saying something the "wrong way" or thinking that I sounded stupid. For thinking everyone is staring at me when really it was just this made up and irrational paranoia that I believe to be true. Thinking about every move I made and of course thinking it was always the wrong one...

We are all on this journey and it is easy to question every thought, experience, and decision. Almost morbidly we consider and reconsider every act of our lives. It is so easy to wonder, what's the point? Are we ever going to graduate? Get some award for life? The truth is we just exist in this vast universe and we're all trying to figure it out. We're trying to enjoy the ride. We’re taking the good with the bad and trying to live the best life we can, since none of us really knows what comes next, if anything. Those who believe in spirituality believe this journey is the start of another better, more enjoyable one. What if this is truly it? And we're spending all our energy fighting. From the very beginning we are competing. From the sperm and the egg, school yard games, spelling contests, sports, prom queen, college exams, first in our class, fighting for the job, to get married and have kids. The day to day competition for success is all consuming! The thi...